Entry #4 Intense self loathing

 I have a very serious issue. Well I have quite a few issues but I'm focusing on one in particular. I heavily dislike myself. This isn't a medical condition, at least as far as I'm aware. Though I haven't been tested by a professional so take what I say with a grain of salt. But, irrespective of a diagnosis of a recognized condition, I still harbor these feelings. Most of the time things are relatively fine, but occasionally something will remind me of all of my failure, and the sadness with come flooding in. And it happens before I'm consciously aware and so mounting a preemptive response is seemingly impossible.

Even now it's hard to talk about this. Partly because of how it makes me feel, but also because it's hard to put into words. Everyone makes mistakes, right? Even if you're clumsy, you shouldn't feel ashamed. But when I try to bring up my concerns, they often get shut down. So I have no idea what the parameters of these feelings are. I've managed to put together a few coherent thoughts though. But remember that grain of salt as we continue.

One of the main issues is that I seem to constantly chose the worst ways to do things. That sounds like an overgeneralization, but it applies more often than I'm comfortable with. A recent example from campus grounds happened in one of my classes. The teacher asked about what sense we'd be willing to lose. I chose taste or touch. Not only did my classmates immediately jump on my choice, laying into me for being shortsighted about what the body use touch for, but the touch option was the only option called out by the teacher, without me having vocalized the choice to the rest of the class. And these kinds of mistakes apply even to minor things such as picking a spot to set sensitive objects such as my phone.

Now obviously one example isn't a trend, but to list a significant number of the examples would require an eidetic memory, or the ability to commit to making notes about my every failure. Both of which I don't have. And that sort of leads into one of the main contributing factors: I never learn. I make the same mistakes over and over again. But it's not just that. I just don't learn things. I can memorize a fact or something long enough to test on it, but nothing sticks. It's so frustrating to approach learning in a method shown to provide results better than cramming and still get the same result.

I also just have trouble commiting in general. Now you'd expect to have trouble commiting to something you don't like, but it's not even that. I love to write fictional narratives. Or I should say, loved. But even that I'm not sure on. I feel a feeling that seems like a want to write, and yet when I try I feel this intense feeling of sadness and my self loathing creates a sickness in my stomach. I get a similar feeling for any self study. I can watch several videos talking about random scientific stuff, but if I try to focus on something I simple fall away without any resistance. My wants are seemingly irrelevant.

Even writing this now I feel a darkness in my guts. I hate this so much. I just want to be able to do things like a regular person. I'm so tired of people saying I want things to be perfect. Perfect doesn't even make sense. I just want to be able to do what I think I want to do. I want to want to do things. I want to stop making the same mistakes no matter what I do. I wish I knew what to do.